Okay, let's just stick to the facts. At least that way I might avoid sounding narrow minded or, worse, an absolute musical dunce. NON is the current musical release valve for kooky American Boyd Rice who has been making recordings for the Mute record label for a number of years now. Pagan Muzak is the latest release by NON. The 12" sleeve informs us that Pagan Muzak is a stereo L.P. The one-sided 7" disc inside the sleeve tells us bugger all, adorned as it is with plain black labels. Boyd, it is apparent isn't going to provide us with anything as pedestrian as a track listing to help us in our exploration of his latest opus. The sleeve does, however, point out that the record is playable at any speed and helpfully goes on to suggest that we might like to increase the volume control to its farthest extent. Okay then - LET'S PARTY!!

Now, let's examine the actual slab of vinyl shall we. 17 tracks - not entirely unusual for an L.P. 17 tracks etched concentrically onto one side of a 7" diameter piece of plastic - a bit peculiar but let's give Boyd the benefit of the doubt until we've heard what he has to say…
Track one - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Track two - Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I checked all 17 "pieces" but I won't trouble you with the details. I'm sure you're getting the general idea by now - each of the 17 tracks is a single note. Some are continuous, some start and stop at exciting intervals. All repeat constantly until you either take the needle off the record or smash the goddamn record deck. Oh dear, I appear to be losing the objective viewpoint. I'm sure that a music lover of greater intellectual prowess than me could tell me how to listen to this. I'm sure I should probably give each track enough time to seep into my troubled psyche and raise me to a higher plane of consciousness but, quite frankly, I'd rather shave off all my pubic hair with a rusty cheese grater.

If you find yourself thinking at this point that your humble reviewer is quite clearly a musical amoeba, please feel free to make your protest by purchasing this peculiar little trinket. I hope it brings you many hours of smugly self-satisfied listening pleasure. Meanwhile, I'll be hiding away with the new Broadcast L.P. and nursing my poor harangued ears.